Or rather, a realization.
About a year and a half ago I realized that I no longer had the reoccurring wish to die. To clarify, I didn't ponder taking my own life, well not for real. I thought about it, but my responsibility for my furbabies always pushed that idea out of my mind quite quickly. But I did sort of wish I would get some sort of terminal illness.
So how did I realize this? Of course I was suddenly on the other side of the seesaw. I got a slight panic attack. Suddenly I was afraid to instantly drop dead.It was actually quite an awakening for me. I've never really been afraid of the idea of dying before.
This summer I realized how much my mindset had changed as I got a set-back. I didn't get accepted into school in the first round, and it really, really tore me up. Because I worked soul-crushingly hard for it.
Then I understood what people talk about when they say its a darkness swallowing you. It was like that, all them negative feelings came back. I wanted to die. I hyperventilated, and was really really scared. It didn't last long, but it really opened my eyes of what I had been living in before.
Of course I also started crying when I actually got accepted in the second round. Very, very happy tears ^_^
Today I wrote an exam. In the beginning of this course I thought it would be the hardest test I had ever written. But going into that room today, I was calm, because I felt like I really had managed to learn everything. Writing it also felt really good. And I'm 100% sure I passed the first part and 90% sure I passed the second as well.
When I saw "Sword Art Online" I wanted something like that to happen to me so badly I actually cried about it. (Yes, I'm a very sensitive person. That's also something I've accepted and stopped trying to hide. I cried watching Prometheus because it was visually beautiful, godammit.)
This afternoon I started watching "Grimgar of Fantasy and Ash" which seems to be something similar. Was my feelings the same? No, not really. Sure, living in a world totally different from the one I am in (I don't really understand our world) would be awesome. But would I sacrifice what I have today?
No. No I wouldn't.
I got accepted into one of Sweden's most popular programs. Only 2% of those who apply actually get accepted.
I changed my way of life radically. From providing for my own to living on loans. From living in my own apartment to living with four others. I moved 600 kilometers. I even had to leave two of my cats with my dad.
But it feels good. I have a purpose in life. I'm not locked into a depression.
(And the reason my mental health is alot better is because of actual physical training. The difference if I work out or not is _insane_)
So there. I wrote something about it at last. Glad to have that done
Oh, and while we're at it. I've also realized I'm transgender. Specifically genderqueer, or something like that.